I don’t know how to properly open this journal entry. Or what to write to make you stay and listen. I don’t have anything catchy to say or something worth quoting but I do have part of my story to share and if you want to stay a little while to listen, share tears, and share joy. Then by all means read on through.
In March of 2008, I was a freshmen in high school, in a town with a population of about 7,000. I was a teenage girl, wear my heart on my sleeve, and the hopeless romantic. I loved, love. I had dreams, wishes, goals that soared higher than can imagine. I was full of the kind of innocence young girls have at that age and had no idea how evil the world could truly be. I lived in a reality of fairytale’s and wishful thinking, not knowing what laid on the other side.
I just turned 15 on the 4th of March. Everything in life was going what seemed as perfect as it could be. I was a JV cheerleader my freshmen year, I was making friends with ‘popular’ kids, and had a boyfriend who was a senior. I thought I had it all for a young girl.
However, all that came crashing down 6 days after my birthday. All the joy and dancing stopped and my fairytale life turned into a sick, twisted reality.
On March 10th, 2008 my brother Nathan Alan Morgan was murdered at the age of 25 in Venice Beach, California.
I remember a few days before figuring out the news and I was walking past a club Nathan used to hang out at and I thought about him but I had such an eerie feeling. I can recall exactly where I was at when I found out the news.
It was a Wednesday evening, just finished church group and went home. My parents were not there and I waited with my boyfriend at the time not knowing my life was about to be turned upside down. When my parents finally arrived my mom had this look on her face. Like she was really upset, me being totally innocent said to my dad, “What’d you do now?” You see, my dad has a way of picking and joking to the point of no return. I just figured it was a time were his picking went too far, sadly I was so, so wrong.
I knew something terrible had happened when I looked at my dad and his eyes were full of tears. He had to tell his young daughter that was full of hope that her brother had been killed. He had to watch all joy leave my body and me weep continually until I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t understand. I didn’t want to understand. It couldn’t be real. He’s coming back I would like to believe. They got it wrong, he’s alive. I can remember asking, “you’re joking right?”
I can’t remember much after that night. All I know is I spent days crying. My eyes would be swollen from all the tears. My heart felt so crushed and I hated the gaping hole in my heart. What I hated even more was myself because that last words I ever uttered to my brother was, “Don’t talk to me ever again”
You see, my brother was my role model. Oh I loved him so much! But most of my life he was on drugs. He spent a lot of time in and out of jail. So when I found out he was in trouble again with the police that is what I said to him.
I lived with such shame and regret for a long time. My boyfriend at the time was a major marijuana smoker. He told me it might help, and it did. But oh only at a surface level. It took my mind into a place where I didn’t have to think or imagine what horrible things he felt when he died. He was beat to death by the hands of multiple people and his throat full of sand. It was an aggressive homocide that I would replay over and over in my head.
It tormented me and I lost complete emotions. Rage, anger, and depression was the norm now.
There is so much more to the story but I will keep it short. I can remember my childhood friend asking me,” Crissy, would your brother be proud of where you are at right now?”
It made me so angry but it was so true. I became everything he struggled so hard to escape from. I became the very thing that held him back from living his life to the fullest.
But God found me in my brokenness.
I had no more hope. I felt as if I was in desert and was grasping for water, life giving water. That’s where I met Jesus. That’s when I found out God is really real. I looked up at the sky one day full of emotions and said “if you are real God show me a sign in the sky” it felt like such a pathetic prayer. But he answered. I went up in my bedroom to go get high and came back out later totally forgetting I uttered that prayer. I looked at the sky and was blown away at a opening in the clouds. It was so beautiful and extravagant, I knew then that God was real and that he truly cared about me.
My story no longer was hopeless. I started this relationship with God where we actually spoke together and I told him everything. He was so patient with me. He loved me at my darkest, for real. He led me quietly and still through the eye of the storm.
To where I now currently have joy. I know the devil steals, kills and destroys. Not God. Through Jesus we have life everlasting, redemption and freedom.
It’s an amazing thing. And one love encounter with him changed the position of my heart forever. I am made new.
My hope has been restored. My earthly Father can look back at his daughter and see love radiate through her as she has grown into a woman of God. He can see the pain has lifted and that I have been set free. He no longer has to carry the weight of his family’s pain on his shoulders. It was never his to carry in the first place. He can know he is loved beyond belief and that my brother is safe in the arms of Jesus. He no longer feels any pain, and he looks at us and smiles. He’s in heaven rooting for us, interceding along side of Jesus for us, he is so free.
So I don’t live a life of being a victim but I choose to live the life of a warrior. I want to live in such a way to spread love like a wildfire and to burn for Jesus that people would look at me and need to know my saivour. That they would ponder the beauty I have received for the giving of my ashes and wonder if maybe they too can learn to fly. I want to live in such a way to destroy hell everyday and release waves of freedom everywhere I go, and everyplace I touch.
I breathe in Jesus, and breathe him out too.
This video is in memory of my brother. I choose to remember his joy, his laughter, his passion for life, his compassion, His smile, his need for an intense ride on anything with wheels, his love for his family and his great love for Jesus.
This goes out to you Nathan. I miss you everyday bro and look forward to the day I get to see you again. ❤️