I missed it, I got it wrong, I’ve had really good intentions but now I am equipped in truth.
I was the typical party girl. You could find me on the weekends, either being the life of the party, or blacked out lying on the floor. Or if it was a really crazy weekend, you could find me screaming, shouting, in a crazy cloud of emotions and then running and hiding.
There were times I should have died. Certainly I should have died. I drove drunk on winter roads, not remembering how I made it home and fell asleep in a bathtub with water up to my nose. I woke up to an empty bath tub and a concerned parent who had walked in at just the right time.
I’ve fallen asleep while driving because I was so high and emotionally numb. Woke up in a ditch going 60 mph with cruise control on, and I woke up in time to safely get back on the road before a busy intersection, I missed every single telephone pole.
Or the time my two friends and I thought it would be a good idea to meet with random strangers and smoke marijuana together. To be trapped in their apartment and they were flashing their guns. How’d we make it out, I honestly can’t recall.
There are countless of other times where I took drugs and put myself in the direct path of harms way.
There’s a reason I’m sharing this. Please keep reading, if you’ve made it this far.
I was that girl, but inside that’s not who I wanted to be but it was who I had become. I lived in a distorted reality that I could hold onto bitterness, anger, and jealousy while still remaining the sweet caring girl.
I was so deceived.
I hurt everyone who actually cared about me and left a tornado of chaos near anyone that got to close to me.
I cheated on and left the one man who actually loved me. Who spent countless hours repairing my broken heart and my broken spirit. Who gave so selflessly and truly wanted the best for me, I did that to him.
So here are a few names people used to know me by: addict, whore, liar, cheater, party girl, pothead, and slut.
There wasn’t one magical moment that I snapped out of the deception but a few moments that I started to see with clear eyes and I ran away from the mess into clarity.
Jory chose to honor me and see me with Gods eyes, even after ALL the pain I caused him. There wasn’t once in the whole process that he dishonored me. When I left, he handled me with peace, grace, and perfect love. He fasted 17 days for me and in that time my eyes and spirit were being called back out of chaos.
He chose me again, and again. Even in my mess. He chose me, and saw me in the eyes of love. We weren’t even married and he still chose me to stay committed to me.
He could have left and found someone who didn’t cause him so much pain but he didn’t , he chose me.
I think that was it actually, that was the exact moment I understood Gods love because Jory was living proof that God was so real and mighty and full of mercy.
I had hurt him so badly and left his heart bleeding, and he sacrificed all his emotions and stood on the truth of seeing me as God does, that is a miracle in itself.
Jory and I started a healing PROCESS. A very long one but about 4 months later we felt the call of God to get married. We both were pursuing God and felt like it was time to commit our lives to one another. This was March of 2014, we felt called to do it as soon as possible. We planned our wedding for July of 2014. 3 months of planning and we were getting married, rebaptized together and starting a whole new chapter of our lives, all by Gods GREAT grace and his marvelous mercy.
Without Jesus, our marriage wouldn’t be possible. It may be possible but not to the abundance it has been restored to.
It was the restoring process that led me back into the arms of Jesus and Jory. Not punishment, fear or condemnation.
Perfect love casts out all Fear.
When we handle others broken hearts and broken spirits, can we please agree that they do not need punishment or condemnation but need restored and loved.
They don’t need to be told that they are going to turn out just like so and so, or told how horrible of a person they are but need to be told of how much they are loved by God.
I was a horrible person, and thankfully for God’s GREAT love I am no longer who I once was.
This revelation of his Love changed everything.
Let’s stop punishing people into the kingdom and start restoring them to their original identity!
“Where this is no way You make a way. Where no one else can reach us You find us”- Make A Way : Desperation Band